Once upon a time there lived a vain queen whose only worry in life was to look beautiful and remain young. Many times every day she applied lotions and potions to her skin so that it would always look as white and supple as it did when she was a girl. But all the lotions and all the potions only made her skin very tired and the queen kept growing older and older.
Word of the queen’s vanity spread throughout her kindgom until it reached the ears of two swindlers, Proctoria and Gimble. They introduced themselves at the gates of the queen’s castle and asked to enter.
“We are two expert chemists and we have engineered a wonderful lotion to make the queen’s skin look as young as ever. This lotion is so light and fine it will not appear clumy or oily, but will leave it feeling soft and refreshed. Everyone will be amazed at her skin, except those who are too incompetent to appreciate such beauty.”
T he Queen overheard and approached the gate. The swindlers smiled at her and her sagging wrinkles.
“Besides being invisible, your Highness, this lotion contains pro-retinol A to rejuvinate dull, lifeless skin and Sodium Laureth Sulfates which smell very nicely. Plus, it is easy, breezy, beautiful.” The Queen was impressed. She immediately let them stay in an old room at the edge of the castle while they concocted their lotion every day and night.
Each night as the queen was getting ready for bed she would look at her face in the mirror but all she could see were crow’s feet and sun spots. She comforted her despair with the thought that, at the other end of the great hall, two experts were working to create something that would once again make her look young and fresh. She imagined what her new skin would look like until she fell asleep with a giant grin on her face.
The queen made one of her subjects inspect the chemist’s progress each day. Every time they entered the laboratory, the swindlers would enthusiastically explain all the intricate steps in creating the secret lotion.
“Later we will be adding the Blue Coloring #2 and artificially-added vanilla essence. What you’re seeing now is far from the finished product.” But the subject saw nothing in the beaker where the lotion should be. He remembered that only the really stupid people were unable to see the lotion so he kept his anguish to himself.
Finally the day approached when the lotion would be finished. The queen threw a huge celebration for her entire kingdom to show off her new face. That morning, the swindlers gave her the beaker of lotion. The queen could not see the lotion but her subject began to rub it into her face. She also did not feel the lotion on her face, but then again the lotion was supposed to be fine and light.
She looked in the mirror and at first she didn’t think she looked any younger or more beautiful. Proctoria and Gimble assured her she did because their consumer reports said the lotion worked and how could she contest consumer reports from all 7 continents. Besides if the lotion didn’t work then she had no hope. So after that she looked in the mirror and felt wonderful.
She felt wonderful walking around on the street, knowing she had consumer reports from all 7 continents supporting her. She felt wonderful when the people looked at her. She was sure every moment was making her look younger and younger. She felt wonderful when some of the children played on the royal road beside her at the celebration.
Until one young child pointed at her, “But I thought she was supposed to look younger! Why, she looks as old as a goose!” His mother grabbed his arm and shushed him with some whispered words that remained unheard by the queen, who laughed awkwardly at the boy’s foolishness.
“But everyone knows that people get old– why does she think she’s any different?” The boy answered his mom incredulously. Proctoria and Gimble looked at the boy angrily.
“Actually, son, our studies conclude that getting old does not necessarily mean looking old. In fact,” Proctoria stated, now looking around at all the disillusioned faces of the entire kingdom. “With our new line of lotions, NONE of you should ever have to look at an ugly wrinkle again.”
And that is how the kindgom was sold on Proctoria and Gimble. News of their fascinating products spread throughout other kingdoms and countries until their company became one of the largest chemical manufacturing companies in the world. Unfortunately, soon after they signed their biggest merger deal, changing their name to Proctor and Gamble, the queen died of skin cancer related to foreign chemicals absorbed into the skin. Proctor and Gamble declined to comment on the topic.
If you should like to order some of Proctor and Gambles age-deying lotions or any of their other fascinating products, please call 1-800- DEATH IS INEVITABLE, STUPIDITY ISN’T.
